Super Bowl Spelled Out


Nearly 1 billion viewers are expected to watch Super Bowl XLII, which is a nice way of saying “Super Bowl you-should-have-learned-your-Roman-numerals.” But why must such a popular American event cater to Romans who refuse to use our official numeric system? We ought to just spell it out in plain English: “Super Bowl Extra Large Idol Intrusion.”

FOX Network, home of American Idol, will televise this football extravaganza. Idol host Ryan Seacrest will serve as the celebrity emcee, and Jordan Sparks, last year’s American Idol winner, will sing the National Anthem. At some point during the broadcast, Idol judge Paula Abdul will debut a music video she made with costar Randy Jackson.

Given that cast, it wouldn’t surprise me to see Simon Cowell seated somewhere between Jimmy Johnson and Terry Bradshaw, spewing acerbic remarks. I can imagine him firing off barbs like, “What was THAT? I’ve seen better passes in a karaoke bar!” or “For me, that all felt a bit Pee-Wee League-ish.”

While network officials support this kind of shameless cross promotion, they refuse to sell out to partisan politics. No Super Bowl advertising spots (at the time of this writing) have been sold to political candidates. Presumably, the network didn’t want viewers falling asleep during commercials about important matters like snack foods, sport drinks and double-crust pizza. Possibly, there may have been other concerns, such as the potential for brand confusion between Anheuser-Busch and the less popular George W. Bush.

Among the many advertisers this year will be Victoria’s Secret. I’m thinking that’s a bit odd because guys like to look at the merchandise, but the majority of men I know would consider buying a thong just wrong. Most of them couldn’t tell you their lover’s panty or bra size. In fact, I’m pretty sure my spouse couldn’t identify my current undergarments from a lineup. And I’m positive he couldn’t if they were on a lingerie model.

I have plenty of other questions about the Super Bowl. For starters, if the game is played in Arizona, how can the “home” team be from New England?

Why would a company like Planters pay millions for a commercial that pushes peanuts?

How did nachos, which originated in Mexico (where football isn’t played), become traditional football food?  

What, besides the lackluster time of year and the dire shortage of entertaining TV shows, attracts so many viewers to this broadcast?  

How can we have such a unified experience in a country where it’s often impossible to coordinate a meal schedule for two?

Think about this: On Super Bowl Sunday, men and women everywhere will sit together—for more than three hours—without ever once arguing about their TV channel settings. Why, that’s practically a national peace summit! The NFL and AFL should jointly receive a Nobel Prize for this. (Hey, didn’t Al Gore get one?)  Maybe FOX could televise the acceptance of this award on American Idol. Perhaps some of those Victoria’s Secret angels could be the presenters. (I’d be okay with that if they promise not to wear my underwear.) All I’m asking is that the show be named anything except “The MMVIII Peace Awards.”

Copyright © 2008 Diana M. Estill 

Diana Estill is the author of Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust, and Lawn Care. To read more columns like this, visit 

Here’s the link to a Super Bowl video I made last year:” 



Filed under acting, comedians, entertainment, film and TV, humor, Super Bowl, Uncategorized, writing

4 responses to “Super Bowl Spelled Out

  1. (grin) I love the underware line-up..lets do that for kicks!!

  2. nectarfizz

    I hope I did you justice in this post..

    check it out here:

  3. tempt

    The superbowl was NEVER EVER watched by even remotely close to a “billion” people. The audience is 98 million, of which 98% if from America. NO one gives a shit about american football except americans. No one ever will.

  4. totallyskewed

    I believe the actual number is something closer to 93 million–but since this IS a humor piece, it’s not intended to be factual.

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