Enter the room as if you’re seeing it for the first time ever. Those were my only instructions. The room included a large stage, auditorium seats on three sides, a piano, and countless wood crates, ladders, and other stuff that looked like way more work than I cared to think about at this early morning hour.
My classmates were seated in one section of the auditorium seats, watching me—or possibly sleeping. However, I was to pretend they weren’t there (the way my husband does to me when he’s watching Prison Break).
I had no idea what to do—which was the point, I suppose. So I waltzed in, stared at the etch marks on the stage floor, and tried to figure out what had been raked across the hardwood planks. (Hey, it gave me a chance to look down instead of at my bored audience.) Failing to find an answer, I strolled over to the piano and considered why anyone would have shoved it against the pullout seating. Was it defective in some way? I glanced to see the brand name: Baldwin, as in Alec, I noted. Then I exited the room, content to have been as equally uninteresting on stage as I am in every-day life. Mission accomplished!
On to diction class—where, I swear to swami, I think I pulled a hamstring! For anyone who hasn’t been following this thread, my instructor combines yoga with voice training. This is truly maddening for me because I don’t want anyone staring at my butt while he’s saying “ho, ho, ho,” if you get my drift. That’s just wrong on so many levels.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have a bad attitude when it comes to my diction class. I resist everything about it. And so when we received our assignment for the next class meeting, all I did was whine and groan. This did nothing to reduce my sentence, unfortunately.
Here’s the assignment: Pretend you are running for election in the kingdom of Omnia (where everyone speaks Omnish, a language that’s basically gibberish). Speaking in the native language, stand before the class and, a) open your speech with a joke, b) discredit the slanderous remarks your opponent has made about you, c) offer a rousing tribute to the current King, d) state your platform objectives, and, e) close with a big finish.
I am reassured only by the knowledge that it’s not too late to drop this class.