During this recession that we might or might not be having, depending on whether you do or don’t believe in fairy tales, many families have ceased dining out. This prompts me to ask a desperate question: Where are these individuals buying their groceries?
The only way I could cook a burger and fries for less than McDonald’s would be to skip the bun, hold the produce, and ignore the grease fire.
With grocery and gas prices so high, I can afford to drive to the store or shop—but not both. I’m thinking of posting a bumper sticker on my car that reads: “Will walk for food.”
Electricity prices are concerns when cooking at home, too. Every time I turn on a burner or fire up the oven, I might as well throw an imported chocolate bar out the window. Seldom does one make it past my lips. So, clearly, I’m speaking metaphorically here.
Some suggest that to combat the rising prices, we should eat products grown closer to home. If I were to do that, my diet would consist of rabbit stew, grackle pie, and lawn clover salad garnished with hackberries.
To help reduce the costs of dining in, I’ve devised some new techniques for the summer. This year, our family cookouts will be B.Y.O.C. (Bring Your Own Chips). Yes, with the spiraling prices of corn- and wheat-based products, we simply must take drastic cost-cutting measures.
A Time magazine article revealed that U.S. wheat reserves are down to a five-week supply. Folks, this is serious! We are one Nabisco advertisement on Oprah away from a full-out wheat famine!
Instead of slow-cooking my brisket on our gas grill this summer, I’m going to park the car in a sunny spot, roll up all the windows, and set the beef in a glass casserole dish underneath the rear window. On the floorboard, I’ll brew a pitcher of sun tea. The potato salad will obviously have to be made elsewhere. I think I’ll steam the potatoes in the dishwasher while I’m running a load of dishes. Or maybe throw them in the dryer with some wet towels.
We’ll skip the grilled corn on the cob this season. It’s become too scarce, thanks to the discovery and promotion of ethanol. And, after all, people are bicycling in Brazil.
Speaking of developing countries, there also appears to be a rice shortage. To curb supply concerns, Sam’s Club issued purchase limits on 20 lb. bags of rice. I haven’t eaten white rice since I learned that it sticks to my thighs. But suddenly I find myself wanting a loveseat-size sack of this starch. Right now!
This is what happens when people are told they can’t have something they don’t need. Have we learned nothing from Apple’s rollout of the iPhone? How soon we forget the holiday stampedes triggered by buying limits on Wii systems.
All this havoc at the markets has hampered my weight loss plans. I’d hoped to lose a few pounds before winter. But I’d have to be in the top 1 percent of wage earners to afford a low-carb diet. Lean meats, dairy products, and fruits and vegetables? If I could afford to eat like that, I wouldn’t have to. I could pay for liposuction.
No, for once, I’m looking at my extra heft with newfound confidence. Though I may not be rich or thin, physically at least, I’m recession-proof.