Totally Skewed: Black Hole Brouhaha



It seems that I am lucky to be alive because, this morning, at exactly 8:31 BST (which I believe stands for “Blow to Smithereens Time”), scientists near Geneva fired up the biggest atom smasher in the world!

According to several articles I read for at least a few seconds, somewhere along the border of Switzerland and France, in a tunnel built 300 feet below ground, thousands of physicists are attempting to recreate the Big Bang that gave birth to our universe (as opposed to the Little Bang that created my children). This historic event, which reportedly has cost more than 5 billion dollars and employed at least 4,000 scientists, has been feared by some who say that the project could create black holes capable of growing and eventually swallowing the earth like, well, a black hole.

Black holes are made of . . . uh . . . okay, uh . . . see, that’s what the scientists are trying to find out. Anyway, think of them as dense matter that sucks up everything nearby, growing larger and more powerful and stopping only when the food supply runs out—sort of like your basic teenager.

Physicists involved in the project have dismissed public concerns and reassured that there is “little theoretical chance” of producing black holes that are large enough to pose any danger to earth. Oh, yeah? And I recall that, not that long ago, scientists thought there was “little chance” that tobacco could be habit forming, too!

The eventual collision of particles, set to happen sometime within the next 10 days, will create temperatures that are ten million billion degrees (Does it really matter if that’s Fahrenheit or Centigrade?), or 100,000 times hotter than the center of the sun! I can hardly wrap my mind around such numbers. But what stupefies me most is this; how is it that we possess the knowledge, funding and capacity to build a machine of this type and yet we still can’t develop an instrument that can painlessly take a picture of my breasts? Of course I’m speaking of mammography equipment, here, not my hubby’s camera.


Personally, I don’t get what’s so significant about finding mini black holes. I’ve been developing them for years. They’re just clogged pores. How does one gain the money for such an expensive scientific undertaking? Gee whiz. I can’t even get the funding for a facial.

One of the goals of this giant experiment is to locate what some have called “the God particle,” the particle that gives everything in the universe its mass. If this can be found, then who knows what might happen? Perhaps a docudrama even more profitable than The Secret could be made! Oprah could produce several segments on the research findings, and maybe she could even bring in Al Gore who’ll surely receive another Nobel Prize for this project.

Hey, what’s going on? Where’s that wind coming from? I can’t see. Did somebody turn out the lights? Wha–



More humor at:




To read the stories I referenced, see:,, and



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Filed under entertainment, humor, life, opinion, politics, Random thoughts, Thoughts, Uncategorized, women, writing

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