Wall Street– June 23, 2009
American Greed Corporation stock soars 1000% on layoff announcement
Six months after receiving a tax payer-funded bailout, American Greed Corporation (AGC) has announced it will eliminate nearly all of its U.S. employment positions.
In an unprecedented warning, AGC spokesperson Ida Gatekeeper packed her desk contents and reported that American Greed Corporation will layoff 198,000 employees, representing 99.9% of the company’s U.S. workforce, within the next 10 days.
Under a newly restructured organization, AGC will retain only four of the company’s U.S. salaried employees. Among those remaining will be the company’s CEO Seymore Gold and three senior executive managers, all of whom are related to Gold either directly or indirectly through marriage.
AGC’s ten existing board of director positions will be reduced to eight. Two directors will receive preferred stock and monetary compensation for their early dismissals and agreement to decline all media inquiries forever.
As part of the business restructuring, AGC will outsource the company’s entire operations to Samoa. The company says it expects to employ Samoa’s total workforce population at wages that would insult even the most desperate American summer intern.
Asked about the economic impact such a reduction of U.S. workers could cause, Mr. Gold, AGC Chief Executive Officer, remarked, “This is part of our commitment to shareholders to remain competitive in today’s global market.” Gold added, “I’ve outlined my successful business strategies in my forthcoming book, How to Become a Billionaire When Everyone Else is Unemployed.”
American Greed Corporation stock soared 1,000 percent immediately after this layoff announcement.
In a related matter, OMG Real Estate Distrust, owners of American Greed Corporation’s campus headquarters buildings in New York City, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. OMG Real Estate Distrust common stock halted trading on the New York Stock Exchange at ten cents per share.
Important Disclaimer: The above satirical news brief is not intended to represent any known or unknown companies , person or persons who might lack a sense of humor and attempt to claim damages as a result of this report. No real Samoans were harmed in the writing of this article. Consult your financial advisor before investing in penny stocks. OMG Real Estate Distrust, American Greed Corporation and Seymore Gold are trademarks of the current U.S. economy.
Diana Estill is the author of Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life.