Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life is a finalist in the “Humor” category of the National Best Books 2009 Awards! Winners and finalists were announced today.
To read the complete list of award-winners, visit usabooknews.com.
I Shouldn’t Have Left Him Alone With the Remote
My first mistake was hinting that I wanted an upright freezer. My second was leaving my husband home alone, bored and recovering from spine surgery.
“I might as well tell you,” he confessed, “I did something bad while you were gone.”
Visions of 65-inch TV screens and credit card bills large enough to threaten our mortgage payment flashed through my mind. “Wha-a-a-t?” I gripped the kitchen countertop for extra support.
“Well, you know how you said you were planning to get a freezer?”
“I didn’t say I was ‘planning’ to get one,” I corrected. “I just said I needed more freezer space and wanted to price a few.”
“Yeah, well, anyway, I figured you were serious about getting one, so I bought us something to go in it!” hubby exclaimed.
“I already have something to go in it . . . the overflow from the existing one,” I reminded.
“Oh, wait until you see the steaks I bought!” said my mystery shopper. “They’re awesome. Not the crappy kind you’ve been getting from the grocery store, either. These are big and juicy and taste wonderful!”
“Someone came to our door offering steak samples?” I asked. Man, the economy must be worse than I’d thought.
“No. But I saw them.”
He ducked his head low and peered up at me. “On QVC.”
“You bought meat off the TV?” I gasped. Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“Hon, they are going to be SOOOOO good.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I SAW them!”
“And you think you viewed the actual steaks you’re going to receive?”
I jaunted to our side-by-side unit and, because I wasn’t wearing hard-toe shoes, gingerly opened the freezer door. With one hand, I rubbed at my forehead and counted to . . . well, at least two. “When are these steaks suppose to arrive?”
“Soon,” he said.
“How soon?” If I threw away the ice cream bucket wedged between the pizza and the burgers I hadn’t yet compared to the most recent recall list, maybe I could make room for a sirloin or two.
“I don’t know.”
“Have you looked in here?” I motioned to the refrigerator. Then I remembered he’d been eating mostly soft foods and taking pain meds. “Okay,” I said, faking renewed calm. “Just tell me exactly how many steaks you ordered. Four? Six? Eight?”
I’m not sure where we’re heading with health care reform, but I need family medical insurance that includes QVC protection.