Tag Archives: funny

The Bachelor Effect

After fourteen years on television, The Bachelor managed to snag my attention for a full episode. Yes, I’m a “late adopter.” But that had nothing to do with my lack of exposure to the reality romance show. It was the evening of the Iowa Caucus, and there was nothing left upon which I could focus my political frustrations. Zeroing in on a TV program about a harem of women competing for the affections of one average Joe was the distraction I needed.

According to The Bachelor’s viewer ratings, women (and men) everywhere await each weekly episode, to find out which of the dozen or so remaining prospective lays, oops, I mean brides, with whom the male cast member–the bachelor–has passionately gone mouth-to-mouth, will receive a single long stem rose. This begs a few questions. Are flowers that difficult to obtain now? Or is there a global shortage of unwed heterosexual men?

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Free Kindle Book: Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road

Today only, Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road is FREE on Kindle.  Here’s the link:  http://www.amazon.com/Driving-Wrong-Side-Road-ebook/dp/B003XVZB7A    Misadventures in travel, home repairs, and everyday life.  Makes a great gift.  Available in paperback too!

 

 

 

 

Regular Kindle Price: $2.99

Paperback: $12.95

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Award-winning humor book now $2.99 on Kindle

I know how much Kindle owners (I’m one) appreciate a good read at a low price, so I’ve just made both my humor books available on Amazon for the low list price of $2.99.  But it gets better! Amazon is discounting Driving (not sure for how long) to $1.99!

Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust, & Lawn Care includes tales of misadventures in travel, home repairs, and everyday life.

 

Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life offers wacky wisdom and advice to help conquer life’s daily annoyances. Deedee (my alter ego) explains why women won’t read maps, Bubbas build the best burgers, and wise men should never use the B-word, “budget.”  A ForeWord Book of the Year Finalist.

These titles are available in paperback too.

Thank you for checking out my books!

Diana

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Totally Skewed: Ways to cut back costs during a recession

 

Admittedly, I am not financially poor. But that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to the effects of the recent economic slowdown. I, too, have been hit hard by the costs of everyday necessities such as “bright white” paper. Thus, I have been driven to buy “all purpose.”

 

I don’t mean to make light of the situation. Okay, actually, I do—because there’s really no use in making it any heavier than it already is. Right? I’m poking fun at the recession and the state of our economy because, frankly, this is how I cope with matters that are beyond my ability to change. Maybe that’s how you feel too.

 

This morning, while showering, I thought about this:  Why must there be multiple kinds of shaving crèmes? The only reason women’s shaving crèmes are fruit-scented and cost more than men’s is because ladies are suckers for scents. When has a guy ever asked his lover, “Mm-mm, honey, what’s that peach smell you’re wearing on your ankles?”

http://www.TotallySkewed.com

 

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Recession Therapy: There’s nothing left to do but laugh

How do you know when you’re in a recession?

 

What, exactly, is a recession? How do you know when you’re in one? To cut through the political posturing that surrounds this term, we need to understand the true definition of a recession.

RecessionAny downturn in national growth that cannot be explained without admitting the responsibility of both Republicans and Democrats.

If political candidates were to acknowledge the country is in a recession, they would immediately address this by dispatching more publicity photos. In those pictures they’d appear gravely concerned and be shown with their sleeves rolled up, probably wearing a hard hat and holding a puppy.

I mean, the word “recession” is sort of a retroactive accusation, one for which there are no polled public opinions. Naturally, this condition is iffy for politicians (and those whose direct employment depends on them) to admit. It’s kind of like addressing birth control with a pregnant woman—and then discovering that you might be the father.

In college, I learned that the definition of a recession is “a decline in Gross Domestic Product for two or more consecutive quarters.” If that’s so, then clearly we’re not in a recession because “gross domestic products” are on the rise. Case in point: putrid-smelling air fresheners and disposable toilet wands.

The Business Cycle Dating Committee at the National Bureau of Economic Research defines a recession as (I’m not making this part up) “the time when business activity has reached its peak and starts to fall until the time when business activity bottoms out.” Obviously, it would have been too confusing to have said “the period of decline between business growth cycles.” I guess this is why these folks get paid the big bucks. But what else can be expected from a government organization that has enough spare time to form a “dating committee?”

Having once served as treasurer of my church Sunday school class, I have some finance and economic experience. What I don’t understand is the need for expensive studies to rate economic indicators like consumer confidence. All anyone has to do is check Best Buy’s plasma TV sales to get a read on that.

But for those who simply must know if we’re in a recession, here’s a list of possible signs. If three or more of these statements are true, then you can rest assured we’re in a recession:

 

·       You put $20 worth of gasoline in your car and the gas gauge registers less than a quarter tank full.

·       The gold in your wedding band is suddenly worth more than the stones.

·       At the last networking meeting you attended, you met six or fewer Realtors.

·       You’ve received two or more unsolicited credit card offers by mail—addressed to your dog.

·       Your 401(k) statements have begun arriving with samples of Zoloft.

·       Someone you know has traded in a Hummer for a Honda Civic. 

·       Your home is the only occupied house on your street.

·       The local Family Dollar Store is expanding.

·       You’ve cut out all nonessential travel other than trips to comb for aluminum cans.

·       The government feels sorry enough for you to return part of the money they’ve already taken from you.

·       With your economic stimulus check you paid your electric bill.

 

          The good news in all of this is, like the five pounds I lost earlier this year, it’s likely a temporary condition.                 

 


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Free Muse to Good Home

Nobody, other than medical professionals, wants to hear about it when you feel bad. And even doctors wouldn’t care to listen if they weren’t getting paid. I know that. But I need someone to commiserate with. Surely there’s another allergy or flu sufferer out there somewhere who’ll humor me. 

I’m drowning in my own body fluids, throat hurts, and I’m blowing bubbles out of my nose. I’ve got three-day-old gel in my hair. All I want to do is go back to bed, but some nasty internal voice that insists I’m being a slug anytime I’m napping during daylight hours prevents me from this.  

“No,” my subconscious insists. “You’re supposed to be working on your screenplay, today! You promised yourself another 10 pages.” Probably not going to happen, unless I want ten pages of, She sneezes, then coughs and reaches for a tissue. The judge shifts his posture, canting his body farther from the witness 

Yeah, I’m supposed to be writing a court scene. The way I’m feeling, right now, I’d probably write in some goofball with an automatic weapon. 

“Discipline!” yells my obnoxious guide. “Quit being a slacker. Stop blogging and get to it!”  Man, I hate this nag. 

WRITER CLASSIFIEDS 

Free muse to good home. Air delivery.  Excellent voice, pushy condition. Owner no longer willing to forego sleep.

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The Cupid Conspiracy

     Key to my heart     Valentine’s Day creates a surge of sudden sentimentalists, few of whom can offer an explanation for their uncharacteristic behaviors. Most are mindlessly following an American custom established in 1847. That’s the year that a Massachusetts woman named Esther Howland—who coincidentally owned a greeting card company—developed the first U.S. commercial valentine.
     While searching such esteemed websites as Howstuffworks.com, I made a disturbing discovery. Ms. Howland, Mother of the Valentine’s Day greeting card, apparently knew little about the laws of attraction. According to an American Heritage article, Esther Howland was born in 1828 and died a spinster in 1904. Somehow, despite her clever card creations, she never married!
     I don’t know about you, but this newly unearthed information leaves me feeling ripped off. Why, it’s the equivalent of learning that your favorite advice columnist has been married eight times or that the author of that parenting book you’ve been reading has no children. 
     Yes, I blame Esther for misrepresenting her expertise and for promoting a trend that appeals mainly to women. Valentines are the second most popular seasonal cards purchased. And according to the Greeting Card Association, women account for 85 percent of those sales. 
     So what does this say about men? Are they just less inclined to express their feelings on pink parchment or too busy thinking about red peek-a-boo lingerie to bother with affectionate verse? (My money is on the naughty nighties.)
     Ms. Rowland has led legions of hopeful women to believe that fancy papers and loops of lace (on sappy cards rather than sexy garter belts) will attract a man’s affections. But it requires more than that to arouse male attention. These days, if you want a guy to take your advances seriously, you better give him your house key, a roadmap and the promise of cable access and free pizza.
     Here’s another little known fact . . . okay, maybe not a fact, but definitely a plausible theory: Esther may not have acted alone. Our very own government could have been involved in this commercial conspiracy. Yep. I didn’t have to stretch much to connect those dots (though I’ve been known to reach pretty far to make a point).
     The same year that Ms. Howland began diddling with doilies and hatching out frilly hearts, Congress authorized the issuance of postage stamps. So you can see the collusion inherent in this timeline.
     Some might argue that valentines were already in vogue long before Ms. Howland built her fortune on mushy missives. However, these earlier gregarious greetings were typically handcrafted by the sender and delivered in person, a method now considered gauche. That’s a bit ironic, when you think about it. You never should hand-deliver a card, but it’s perfectly okay to send a text message?
     Like so many others, my spouse and I reluctantly acknowledge February 14. Each year, we thoughtfully buy each other a Valentine that’s either funny or outrageous.  
     To be truthful, we’re sentimental all year long. We’re both inclined to express affection any time the mood strikes (such as when the satellite server goes down or we’re in the throws of a power outage). So Valentine’s Day is nothing spectacular at our house. Perhaps the longer you’re married the less you make of dates like this.
     Maybe Ester had that figured out.

Read more humor like this at www.TotallySkewed.com.

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