Tag Archives: women’s humor

The Bachelor Effect

After fourteen years on television, The Bachelor managed to snag my attention for a full episode. Yes, I’m a “late adopter.” But that had nothing to do with my lack of exposure to the reality romance show. It was the evening of the Iowa Caucus, and there was nothing left upon which I could focus my political frustrations. Zeroing in on a TV program about a harem of women competing for the affections of one average Joe was the distraction I needed.

According to The Bachelor’s viewer ratings, women (and men) everywhere await each weekly episode, to find out which of the dozen or so remaining prospective lays, oops, I mean brides, with whom the male cast member–the bachelor–has passionately gone mouth-to-mouth, will receive a single long stem rose. This begs a few questions. Are flowers that difficult to obtain now? Or is there a global shortage of unwed heterosexual men?

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under acting, entertainment, film and TV, humor, opinion, Uncategorized

Award-winning humor book now $2.99 on Kindle

I know how much Kindle owners (I’m one) appreciate a good read at a low price, so I’ve just made both my humor books available on Amazon for the low list price of $2.99.  But it gets better! Amazon is discounting Driving (not sure for how long) to $1.99!

Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust, & Lawn Care includes tales of misadventures in travel, home repairs, and everyday life.

 

Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life offers wacky wisdom and advice to help conquer life’s daily annoyances. Deedee (my alter ego) explains why women won’t read maps, Bubbas build the best burgers, and wise men should never use the B-word, “budget.”  A ForeWord Book of the Year Finalist.

These titles are available in paperback too.

Thank you for checking out my books!

Diana

Leave a comment

Filed under books, Chrimstas gifts, entertainment, humor, Kindle, life, opinion, publishing, Uncategorized, women, writing

Deedee Divine on Sacramento & Co., News 10

Happy to be home today! Deedee Divine made a trip to Sacramento to appear on a morning news program. See her in action here:

http://gannett.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mms/rt/1/site/gannett-kxtv-3334-pub01-live/current/launch.html?maven_playerId=sacnadcofrntplayer&maven_referralObject=1328377429

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under acting, comedians, entertainment, film and TV, food, health and beauty, humor, life, opinion, publishing, Thoughts, Uncategorized, women, writing

Don’t give ME the senior plate special!

42-15654274 

I can’t tell you exactly when it happened. Probably it occurred sometime between that first chin hair and my transition to stretch-fit jeans. But somewhere along the way I started to look my actual age, as opposed to behaving like it. This became painfully evident one Sunday morning while I was having breakfast at a place I now call “I-STOP,” as in “I stopped eating there.”

“What’ll you have,” a waitress asked me.

“I’d like the carb carcinogen combo,” I replied.

“And you, sir?” she said turning to my husband. With her pen she scrawled something on a notepad the size of an index card.

“I’ll have the monster meal, with the eggs scrambled,” he replied.

“Oh, doesn’t mine come with eggs, too?” I inquired. If so, I needed to let her know that I didn’t want a sunny runny embryo on my plate.

The server looked at me for a split second before she answered. “No. There aren’t any eggs on the Senior Plate.”

I froze momentarily and tried to rewind the audio. Did I just hear her say SENIOR? One glance at my spouse confirmed that I had. He now appeared to be searching for a safe escape route.

I checked my attire, but that helped explain nothing. Am I not wearing flare-leg jeans? Is this not a hip looking shirt? Aren’t my earrings dangly and sterling? What is wrong with this woman? Do I look like a blue haired, penny-saving, don’t-bring-me-none-of-that-boysenberry-syrup senior customer? And how come she didn’t ask hubby if he’d ordered the senior portion? 

I felt my face grow flush. Or maybe it was just another hot flash. Did I forget to apply my concealer this morning? Can she see my roots from where she’s standing? How would that be possible, given the lighting in here is one notch up from an appliance bulb?

“I didn’t order a senior meal,” I politely corrected.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Then, yes. How do you want your eggs?”

Briefly I considered saying, “On your face will be just fine.”

 

We didn’t talk about it while I sawed at my cold French toast and hubby chased congealing hashbrowns across his plate with a fork. It felt as though something tragic had just happened, something so fresh and raw that to speak of it would have been almost life-threatening, especially had the first comment come from my baby-faced partner’s lips.

We paid no further mind to the rude, undiplomatic and obviously sight-challenged waitress. Though I might have enjoyed it, it simply wouldn’t have been right to have made fun of someone who warranted her own telethon.

The drive home from the restaurant was exceptionally quiet. Minor chitchat dominated what little conversation took place. But when I entered the comforts of our suddenly geriatric looking home, I turned to my spouse and said, “Did you hear that waitress call me a senior? Am I really a senior now?”

My man bowed his head and stared at the floor tile before replying, “Yes.”

“I am?” I cried.

“I’m afraid so.”

“Gosh. I didn’t think we looked like seniors,” I said slowly succumbing to reality. “I mean, she didn’t even mention the senior meal to you.”

“I know! And I was hoping she would, too,” said my breakfast companion, “because I wanted the discount!” He thought for a second and then with a grin added, “You know, I got carded this week when I bought a bottle of wine.” He gave a conceited horselaugh.

If I’d had a walker, I’d have clobbered him with it.

I paced the room for a bit. And then I remembered something about space travel, which, on the surface, might not seem related to feeling old. However, given the way my mind works, this was relevant. “Well, Einstein had a theory about time and travel,” I said. “He believed that if people could just go fast enough—faster than the speed of light—they could stop or even reverse the aging process.”

Hubby furiously churned his feet and pumped his arms.

“What on earth are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m trying to go that fast!” he explained. Then he clutched his chest and gasped. “But I think I better go lie down.” He heaved a deep breath and sighed. “I wore myself out.”

I nodded. “Yeah, it’s not safe for seniors to overdo it.”

 

www.totallyskewed.com

Diana Estill is the author of Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life.

1 Comment

Filed under entertainment, food, humor, life, opinion, publishing, Thoughts, Uncategorized, women, writing

Code Red Apple: Why I May Never Retire

 

MPj04049220000[1]

 

Code Red Apple 

On a Friday morning I read the newspaper and culled through the sale ads until two words caught my attention: “Red Apple”. My pulse quickened. I exhaled slowly, sighing.

 I could not afford to spend another dime on anything that wasn’t an essential need. Not in this recession. But this was the summer clearance sale of the season, a signal for women to drop everything and meet at Macy’s, the equivalent of deer season opening day for hunters—only with a much higher sense of purpose.

Like any addict, I did the responsible thing. I called a friend, someone who would encourage me to remain strong while battling my inner demons.

Recently my neighbor and I had bemoaned our vows to curtail discretionary spending and save more money. So I knew exactly who to telephone.

“Macy’s is having a Red Apple Sale,” I said as soon as Colleen answered. She could, no doubt, hear the dread in my voice. “And shoes are SIXTY-FIVE PERCENT OFF!” I cried.

“When?” she asked.

“NOW! Right now! And they have the cutest sandals in their ad. I’m feeling like I might go,” I confessed.

“I wear a size 8. Call me if you see anything good!” she begged.

So now I had to go because I’d assumed a responsibility to report findings.

Inside Macy’s, I crouched between shoe racks sorted by size but not style. There truly was something here for everyone, from hoochie mamas to soccer moms. Four-inch stilettos? Yep, they had some. Rainbow print platforms? Uh-huh. Smart career pumps? Yes! Granny grips? Them too. And, of course, sandals!

I tunneled my way through rows of six-foot tall racks, peering deeply into the recesses of the bottom rungs. Patiently I waited for other hunters to snare their picks before I skillfully plucked off styles they’d surely missed.

Ah-ha! Yes! I found a 7 in this one! Ee-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Within a few minutes I’d snagged my quota. Well, okay, maybe more than my quota—seeing as how my self-imposed limit was NONE.

Next, I wandered over to the size 8 section. Colleen was in luck! I found a flashy turquoise (her favorite color) patent leather sandal in her size. With my free hand I flipped open my cell phone and called her.

“You’ve got to come see this shoe! It’s an extra 10 percent off the sale price, so that’s like 75 percent off, until one o’clock. I’m not good with math, but I think it’s marked down to 12 dollars!”

“I’ll be right there,” she said.

By the time Colleen arrived, the crowd had increased in both number and collective euphoria. Four shoe clerks were about 10 short of being enough to service what appeared to be the most congenial shoppers in the world. Ladies who’d never before met one another now compared shoe finds and offered guidance.

“Where’d you find that style?” one woman asked.

“Right over there!” replied another.

“I saw that one and thought about it. It looks so cute on you, now I’m going to go back and get it,” a stranger said to Colleen. The lady returned with a size 10 in the same style that Colleen had been modeling for two other women.

A female past a certain age sat in a chair, fondling two unmatched pumps. Each shoe sported a 3-inch heel that looked like it could wreck hopes for an active retirement. The rest of us eyed her suspiciously. Surely no one her age would wear those bunion builders!

“Oh, nooooo. I still love my stilettos,” the woman cooed. “I wear ‘em to church and then take ‘em off. But I do still wear ‘em,” she explained. “I don’t care if they hurt. They look good on my feet. And I wait all year for Calvin Kleins to be 20 dollars! So I will sit right here as long as it takes for that lady to find the mates to these.”

“Do these two leopard print ones look too much alike?” Stiletto Lady’s pal said to anyone who’d volunteer an opinion.

“No,” said three customers standing nearby.

“Yes,” remarked Senior Stilts.

These two must have been related. I’m pretty certain only a relative would try to talk you out of a good shoe that’s been marked down 75 percent, which is exactly why I hadn’t called any of my kin.

At the cash register, a sales clerk asked, “Would you like to donate three dollars to Reading is Fundamental today?”

“Yes,” I enthused. And then I silently thought how sad it would be if I couldn’t read. Why, I wouldn’t even know that a Red Apple Sale was in progress. And then look at all the fun and camaraderie I’d miss.

Oh, sure, I might save more money by skipping the sale. But I’d rather have a few less dollars in the bank than wear raggedy shoes on my feet.

Apparently, I’m not alone.

 

 

Diana Estill is the author of Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road and Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life, and the owner of way too many pairs of shoes.

2 Comments

Filed under health and beauty, humor, life, opinion, Thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Can funny books offer a message?

“What’s the message you’re trying to get across with your books?” my marketing guru friend Kadena asked.

 

Message? Did I have one? If so, it must have been a subconscious desire. I thought I was hoping simply to entertain readers with my stories. I’ve said that “I help find the fun in life’s frustrations.” But perhaps there was something more going on. Maybe it was time to reexamine my intent.

 

If I’m being honest, I have to admit that I write most of my humor essays as a form of personal therapy. As one who has a magnetic attraction to calamities, I write to cope with chaos. Life for me and my brood often turns crazy, complicated and confusing. And when it does, I stop and ponder this question: What’s funny about this?

 

If I think about most any situation long enough, my anxiety, anger, or compulsion to consume an entire box of sugar cookies in one sitting passes. Before I know it, I’m laughing at the very events that earlier might have left me contemplating revenge or, at a minimum, a retaliatory shopping spree. Just ask my husband about the ring I purchased while he was on a solo trip to New York. Yeah, I don’t get mad. I get jewelry.

 

Anyway, in tracing a positive (as opposed to a precious gemstone) path through undesirable situations, I’m leaving a trail for others to follow.

 

Jack Canfield summed it best in his book, The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, when he cited the formula “E+R = O.” This equation signifies that life events, plus our reactions to those events, equal the resulting outcomes.

 

At some time, we all suffer undesired or unintended situations. That’s just part of the human experience. We can’t always control life, but we can take charge of how we respond to the events that occur. If we hold on to these negative experiences, fret about them, rehash the perceived injustice or unfairness we’ve endured, then we’ll have an entirely different outcome than we might if we dealt differently with our emotions.

 

There is no better way to overcome life’s annoyances than to laugh at them. When we become amused with ourselves and our foibles, then we are free to move forward in a new direction. With fewer accessories, perhaps, but still….

 

If there is an overall lesson in my stories and books, then learning to find the levity that’s sometimes hidden in life’s challenges is it. I strive to follow this practice (though often with scant success). “We teach best that which we most need to learn.”

 

I have to keep sharing my silly tales so I can move closer to my desired level of harmony. No doubt, many readers will arrive well ahead of me. I’m a terribly slow learner. But as long as I’m laughing, I’ll be okay.

 

 

Diana Estill (aka Deedee Divine) is the author of Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life.

Leave a comment

Filed under entertainment, food, health and beauty, humor, life, opinion, publishing, Random thoughts, reflections, spirituality, Thoughts, Uncategorized, women, writing

What every unemployed person should know

 

Recently, I saw a headline that read “10 things you should know if you become unemployed,” and being the curious (and theoretically unemployed) person that I am, I clicked on the link to see what words of wisdom might be found. Ironically, most of the “tidbits” were nothing more than items for which an unemployed person could claim tax deductions. Tax deductions! Excuse me, but don’t you first need income against which to claim those deductions? 

 

After I quit laughing, I devised the following list of 10 things that truly would be beneficial to know if you become unemployed:

10 Things You Should Know if You Become Unemployed

 

#1      Where to get the best price for scrap metal

 

#2      How to reach your richest relatives

 

#3      The best time to plant garden seeds

 

#4      How to open an eBay account

 

#5      The highest traffic areas for garage sales signs

 

#6      The directions to your nearest thrift center

 

#7      What time of night the local grocer discards the rotisserie chickens

 

#8      What to do in case of an unexpected power loss

 

#9      How to siphon gasoline without swallowing any

 

#10    The correct way to pitch a tent

 

 

Feel free to pass this on to anyone who might need to know this.

 

 

www.franklyfunny.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under humor, life, opinion, politics, Uncategorized, women